Mindfulness Quote

Submitted by Irene Javors, LMHC

"The key to our deepest happiness lies in changing our vision of where to find it."

Sharon Salzberg and Jon Kabat-Zinn. (2008). Lovingkindness: The Revolutionary Art of Happiness. Shambhala Press.
All of us are prisoners of our fantasies and delusions of where happiness awaits us.  We cling to what doesn't work and blind ourselves to the infinity of possibilites.  We are guests at the buffet of life, the challenge is to remain mindful.

What Do You Think About Me?

By Jonathan Kaplan, Ph.D.

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about you.  Yes, you.  There’s a lot of you in the city.  I see you in the park, at the bodega, on the bus, and even in the bathroom at Chinese restaurant that I like.  It seems like you never really leave me alone.

It’s not that I’ve been wondering so much about you per se, but rather what you think about me.  Do you think I’m smart?  Do you think I’m fat?  Do you like my hair?  Do you think I’m the sort of person who would dance on a table in a crowded bar?  Do you think that I would give-up my subway seat for a pregnant woman?  Just exactly who do you think I am?

You see, I’m trying to figure that out myself.  And, I don’t really know.  Well...that’s not really true.  I think that I do know what I like, what I value, and what I want to do.  What I don’t know is what you’d think of that me.  I expect that I won’t meet your expectations--that’s for sure.  And so, I continue to wonder and live by what I think you think of me...  But don’t worry:  I won’t do anything too wild.

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As a psychologist (and friend), I have seen too may people limited by what others have come to think and want of them.  A parental “I expect you to earn good grades” provides  fertile ground for the development of academically-based self-esteem (or self-recrimination).  Messages of “You’re not good enough” from our partners can insidiously become an identity of “I’m the ‘not good enough’ one,” which we carry with us into social encounters and other relationships.  Like writings in wet cement, these messages of who we are--whether from others explicitly or from our presumptions of others’ opinions--can become concretized and leave us little room for self discovery, self growth, and self expression (and self esteem, for that matter).

Ideally, we would not let others’ opinions of who we are and who we are not determine who we allow ourselves to be.  If anything, it should be the opposite:  Who I am determines what you think of me.  You might not like who you see.  I might see you not liking me.  And, as we say in Brooklyn, “Fuggedaboudit!”

How do I want to live my life?  Determined by the expectations of others or guided by my own freely chosen values and behaviors?

Here’s where mindfulness can come in handy:  When you find yourself wanting to do something but refraining from it, bring your attention to the discomfort and the judgments passing through your mind.  Who’s voice is this?  Yours?  Your parents?  The person next to you who has spoken a word?  Let go of this voice and do whatever it is you wanted to do.  It’s your life, not theirs.

Of course, I’m not encouraging you to break laws or violate the rights of others.  We must respect certain rules and principles in order to function well as a society and protect our own personal liberties.

What I’m talking about has more to do with how we define ourselves.  If that tart with goat cheese, leeks, and tomatoes looks delicious, but “real men don’t eat quiche.”  What do I do?  Deprive myself of something yummy in order to conform to your stereotype of masculinity or enjoy a delicious lunch?  Hopefully, your answer leaves me wiping crumbs off my face.

UM Post Featured on Psychology Today

By Jonathan Kaplan, Ph.D.

PsychologyToday.com is featuring one of my recent posts on its main page today. Titled, "How to be Happy When the Weather Won't Cooperate," it provides 6 tips on applying mindfulness to our feelings about the weather.

You can view the main page here:

Psychology Today

Or check out the post directly here:

Seasonal Mindfulness: 6 Tips for Experiencing the Changing Weather

Also, don't forget to check my Urban Mindfulness blog regularly at Psychology Today. You can view posts at the home page here:

Urban Mindfulness at Psychology Today

New Year's Resolutions? 8 Ways in Which Mindfulness Can Help You Realize Your Goals

By Jonathan Kaplan, Ph.D.

2009 is drawing to a close. Only a few more days left to realize those New Year's Resolutions. Oh, don't you remember? Those aspirations from earlier this year that you wanted to achieve? Well, fear not, regardless of whether or not you realized them (or can even remember what you wanted to do), we all have another opportunity to make or break, fulfill or forget, or propose or postpone a whole slew of resolutions for 2010.

Generally speaking, these aspirational changes are quite helpful and healthy. They guide us to make substantive, meaningful change in our lives. We might decide to get in shape in order to feel better and (hopefully) be able to live longer to spend more time with our family. We might decide to get a new job in order to feel more satisfied at work. Whatever the desired change and motivation, New Year’s resolutions provide an opportunity to recognize important personal values and articulate related goals for fulfillment.

So, what does mindfulness have to offer? Is an objective awareness of the present moment with its focus on acceptance applicable to the establishment and pursuit of life-changing actions? Put simply, “no.” Mindfulness with its emphasis on experiencing the present as it exists is not too keen on changing it. Unless one of your resolutions is to practice mindfulness or acceptance more regularly in 2010, then the emphasis on being present in the now won’t help you realize your goals. Think about it: is mindfulness going to get you to go to the gym or line-up a series of job interviews? Of course not. However, some of the essential qualities of mindfulness can be helpful for you.

In his seminal book, Full Catastrophe Living, Dr. Jon Kabat-Zinn outlined what he described as the “attitudinal foundations of mindfulness.”

Non-judging
Patience
Beginner’s Mind
Trust
Non-striving
Acceptance
Letting Go

In addition, I would add “Non-identification” as another aspect of mindfulness. Taken together and applied sensitively to your resolutions, these qualities will help you approach your desired changes in ways that are sensitive, respectful, and supportive of change.

Non-judging
This perspective involves suspending our tendency to evaluate experiences. However, if you’ve made a resolution for 2010, then it’s too late: you’ve already made a judgment in deciding on something to change. Fortunately, we can adopt a non-judging approach to our resolutions subsequently. We can stop second-guessing our resolutions as good, bad, or “not enough,” for example.

Patience
This one is probably obvious. Change typically doesn’t happen overnight, and we need to be patient as we try to bring about something new in our lives. Intellectually, we understand this fact, but it’s harder to appreciate through actual experience.

Beginner’s Mind
This principle refers to the ability to experience the present moment as if it were existing for the very first time, which—of course—it is. You haven’t been in this precise time and space until now. For the New Year, it means that these resolutions of ours are brand new. Even if they’re something that we’ve made in the past, we’ve never had the opportunity to make them in 2010. Thus, we need to approach these resolutions with an attitude of freshness and curiosity. Whatever happened previously is over. All we have is our resolutions manifest in the here-and-now.

Trust
Trust refers to the ability to have faith in our intuitive wisdom as well as the present moment. For our resolutions, it means cultivating the ability to recognize that we’ll know how to best approach them. Even if we don’t know how to accomplish something, we can be confident in knowing when we don’t know, and perhaps seeking some advice or guidance.

Non-striving
This one might seem a bit antithetical to having New Year’s resolutions. Aren’t they all about striving for something? Sure. However, we can embody our desire for change through gentle persistence as opposed to brute force. There’s no need to push hard for realization of our resolutions when a simple nudge or light pressure will suffice.

Acceptance
Just as the present moment needs to be accepted as it exists, so does our relationship to whatever change we’re trying to make. We are here, regardless of where we want to be. Telling ourselves that we need or should be someplace else (physically, emotionally, occupationally, etc.) provides little motivation. More often than not, we feel miserable and discouraged as we work towards change. For example, if you’ve lost one pound, you’ve lost one pound. This is true regardless of the fact that you want to lose 20 pounds or that it’s Week #8 of your new diet and exercise regimen.

Letting Go
We need to abandon our desire for things to be different than how they are? Obviously, this is not relevant to resolutions in which we’re actively trying to be different. However, sometimes we hold on to fantasies about our past or future, which make it more difficult to engage the present. For example, reminiscing about how athletic you were in high school is not likely to help you much in getting in shape now. So, we often need to let go of these remembrances and desires in order to better address what’s happening for us now.

Non-identification
Mindfulness encourages us to recognize the present moment without becoming too wrapped-up in it personally. Similarly, our self-worth is not dependent on whether or not we succeed or fail in realizing our New Year’s Resolutions. If you abandon or forget your resolution, it’s okay. You are not a better or worse person. And, if it truly troubles you, you can always try again in the next moment or even wait until next year.

Finally, it’s important to recognize that your realization of your New Year’s resolutions likely will not happen in an instant. It’s not as if you suddenly will lose 20 pounds or instantly land a job. Rather, it will take a series of successive moments as you work towards the change that you seek. Hmm…successive present moments? What can we do with those?

City Folk, Mindfully Relating

By Jennifer Egert, Ph.D.

Ironic how in the most populated city in the US, the ability to be isolated, unconnected and anonymous is unprecedented. We are constantly surrounded by people. Perhaps this is why we turn off, turn inward, shut out the millions of lives that are around us. In some ways, it is kind of necessary. How can you take in all the activity and personalities of everyone around you? Who would want to? There is also the issue of safety, of course. But sometimes, our automatic ways of moving through city life in our little cocoons interferes with really being present, and present with those around us. In the end, we can miss out on a lot.

This idea hit home recently. A co-worker suddenly passed away. It was unexpected. He was young. We were all shocked. At the memorial service, I learned so much about him that I never knew after years of seeing him at the hospital daily. It really got me thinking about how I relate in my day to day life with the people around me. Rushing here and there, with blinders on. It feels like an intrusion when someone stops me in the street to ask a question. I just want to keep moving. Noticing this, I decided to try to pay more attention to moments that present opportunities to connect. Here are some experiences:

◦Spent a nice cab ride with a driver from Egypt whose son was starting school at John Jay for forensics. He gave me a bag of salted pumpkin seeds that his wife brought back from Egypt which were delicious! He also shared a very warm smile and good wishes.

◦An older man waiting for the bus on 10th Avenue asked me about my camera (I was shooting while I waited). We sat together on the bus and I learned that he was a photographer and photographing Coney Island for the past two years. The project is being shown very soon in NJ. We talked printing, photoshop, and lightroom.

◦Paying attention to others on the 1 train the other night, I noticed how many others were making an effort to be mindful. One woman was reading her bible. Another person was going through a strand of Buddhist prayer beads. Another man sat quietly and still with his eyes closed. Each of them helped a more mindful sense of being on the train, a real support.

Simple experiences of opening to others. Nothing earth shattering. Just sharing city life with the city’s greatest asset: the people.

Question for the week: How can I connect to my fellow city-folk a little more, in a safe, and present way?