The New New Year's Resolution

By Jenny Taitz, Psy.D.

Are you crawling into 2012 with a new juice fast or gym membership?

Often, around New Years, people will themselves to start yet another restrictive diet or rigorous fitness trend. The concept of starting anew feels meaningful and hopeful. I cheer loud and smile big when my patients’ feel excited about new potential methods of achieving the goals they choose.

When we set goals, we also need to accept both others and ourselves. Tara Parker-Pope recently wrote an illuminating article in the New York Times on the struggle people face in trying to lose weight (http://www.nytimes.com/2012/01/01/magazine/tara-parker-pope-fat-trap.html?_r=1). The research she describes explains compassionately weight loss is not just about willpower. Your body may resist weight loss despite your most valiant efforts. Ms. Parker-Pope courageously recounts her own battle against her biological predisposition and shares data on the ubiquity of weight loss resistance.

Just to be clear, I am not recommending you return your not-yet worn Lululemon outfit and spend the money on Michelin dining! You will improve your health by improving your habits. The matter to resolve is how you go about the process of moving toward your ambitions.

Do you judge yourself a failure if you don’t reach a certain weight or accomplish a particular objective? People often feel tempted to define success in all-or-nothing terms and similarly judge others according to certain assumptions. For instance, you may assume someone who struggles with obesity lacks willpower or someone who is thin is happy.

For a moment, consider, if you do engage in judgments, are they useful in helping you achieve your goals or connecting with others?

In the service of increasing peace with yourself, in addition to any goals you may set, you might consider committing to pursuing your resolutions with mindfulness.

3 ways to befriend rather than battle yourself in 2012:

1. Notice judgments. Do you wish the process were easy and dwell on how unfair it feels? Wishing things were easier actually makes life harder. If you find yourself engaging in judgmental thinking, noticing this process is the first step towards stopping.

2. Focus on this moment. Instead of harping on what you did wrong yesterday or what you’re hoping for tomorrow, attend to what may be possible now. Reviewing in full detail what you ate yesterday won’t remove calories or curb your appetite.

3. Appreciate now. There is more to notice than your battle. We can pay a lot of attention to the things that upset us or we can shift our perspective toward the reality we may feel grateful for.

Adopting a mindful stance towards our bodies may feel foreign and difficult. It also may feel like a weight has been instantly lifted--- I don’t know any other diet program that can promise that!

Mindfulness and Mr. Rogers

By Jonathan S. Kaplan, Ph.D.

To UM readers, I hope that you'll excuse my unannounced hiatus from blogging.  For the past few months, I have been prioritizing other pursuits:  reading (vs. writing), listening (vs. speaking), parenting (vs. working), and being (vs. doing).  This has proven to be a very helpful and enriching practice.

The stillness that accompanies mindfulness practice allows for the natural arising of many things:  emotions, thoughts, physical sensations, and particular human qualities.  In particular, I've taken notice of the ways in which compassion surfaces as a way of considering and treating others.  There are some meditations that specifically cultivate compassion (such as metta meditation within Theravada Buddhism) and psychotherapies that promote its expression as well (e.g., naikan therapy and compassion-focused therapy).  It also becomes present for us when we allow ourselves to see the inherent sufferings and joys in the world, less mediated by our own psychological baggage.  We care genuinely for others, and are more prone to ask "Are you okay?" or "How can I help?" as opposed to "What's wrong with you?!"

Interestingly, I've seen this same kindness being expressed naturally in young children as they play with each other.  This observation prompted me to recall an anecdote from Fred Rogers (Mister Roberts to you and me), delivered as part of a commencement address a year before he died.  I've saved the New York Times clipping of this story for almost a decade now, and I'm happy to share it with you (it's mid-way down the page):  Mr. Rogers on compassion.  I hope you like it.

Sharon Salzberg: Compassion in the City

By Jonathan Kaplan, Ph.D.

Recently, I had the distinct privilege of sitting down with Sharon Salzberg, one of the pioneers in introducing Buddhist practices to the West.  Based on her experiences of teaching mindfulness and compassion (i.e., loving-kindness) around the world, I invited her to comment on introducing these practices to many of our common urban experiences.  Personally, it was delightful and enlightening to meet with her, and I am very grateful for her insights and support.  Over the past 10 years, I have often relied on her teachings for my own spiritual and personal growth. 

For more information on Sharon--including her talks in Brooklyn and Manhattan this week!--please check out the details at the end of the interview. 

Congestion and Aggravation

Jon:  Thanks so much for meeting with me today.  In the city, we encounter many unique difficulties and challenges to mindfulness practice.  Given your expertise and teachings on loving-kindness, I wonder about your reflections of being in some of these situations.  For example, it’s easy to get annoyed and frustrated by the congestion we experience, like when we’re riding a crowded subway train.  In such circumstances, how can we practice compassion?

Sharon:  Well, part of it is having compassion for ourselves and realizing that we're living like a sponge:  we're just absorbing all of the difficulty and annoyance and irritants.  Eventually, it will fill us and take over our consciousness.   Alternatively, we can experience it genuinely, but with a lot more spaciousness by not taking these things to heart.  Practicing compassion for oneself is being able to be fluid in these situations.  You can feel the annoyance like a storm moving through you and just let it go.  Motivated by curiosity and a sense of our own well-being, we also can decide that we’re going to experiment with a new way of engaging people.  Today, I was riding an elevator and someone had a rambunctious dog.  At every floor, the elevator stopped and more people got on, until it was very crowded.  As more people came into the elevator, I could conduct an experiment.  I could ask, “Am I going to relate to these people in a friendly manner or am I going to glare at them with an ‘It's crowded enough in here!’ stare?”  We tell ourselves that we’re going to smile at the people in the elevator, ask the cab driver where he's from, whatever it might be.  It changes the day. 

Noisy Neighbors

Jon:  Sometimes, we can get to the point of personalizing our anger or annoyance, like with a noisy neighbor or intractable people on the co-op board.  How do you suggest that we approach these situations, in which we’ve personified our inability to have our desires met?

Sharon:  In Tibetan Buddhism, they say that anger is the thing that we pick-up when we feel weak because we think it's going to make us feel strong.  So, another aspect of this situation classically, is to investigate whether or not it really makes us feel strong.  If so, how long does that last?  We use mindfulness to look at the annoyance or anger and see whether or not this will really help me get what I want.  Perhaps, there are more skillful ways of communicating in order to get our needs met.  Some people think that if you're practicing mindfulness, then you're passive and don't object to the noisy neighbor or unjust treatment.  But it does not mean that either.  But hopefully, you come from a different place when you take action.

“That’s mine!” mentality

Jon:  In the city, there can be a lot of emphasis on competition and possessiveness.  We lay claim to things like taxis and parking spaces, which don’t really belong to us.  How can we get better in touch with living together peacefully?

Sharon:  Often, it’s just a question of beginning with mindfulness of how things actually feel.  How does it feel to have a competitive mindset, even when you’re not in competition with anybody?  Sometimes, I get off the elevator and look down the lane of apartment doors in my building, and think, “Oh my God, I hope that no one smokes in bed anymore.”  Wouldn’t it be tragic if someone fell asleep and I burned to death?  How horrible is that?  I could walk in here, oblivious to everyone else on the floor.  It doesn’t have to be a fearful thought, but a recognition that we’re counting on each other.  We’re interdependent.  I’m not going to have a very good year if you fall asleep smoking.  It’s not sentimental—it’s just how things are. 

 END OF PART ONE—MORE COMING SOON!

Brief Biography 

Sharon Salzberg is cofounder of the Insight Meditation Society (IMS) in Barre, Massachusetts. She has been a student of Buddhism since 1971, guiding meditation retreats worldwide since 1974.  Sharon's latest book is The Kindness Handbook, published by Sounds True. She is also the author of The Force of Kindness, published by Sounds True; Faith: Trusting Your Own Deepest Experience, published by Riverhead Books; and Lovingkindness: The Revolutionary Art of Happiness, published by Shambhala Publications. For more information about Sharon, please visit: http://www.SharonSalzberg.com.

Upcoming Workshops in New York City

Wednesday, May 5, 2010, 8 pm - 10 pm
Meditation Workshop: Tools for Awakening Courage, Faith, and Compassion

Jaya Yoga Center, 1626 8th Avenue, Brooklyn, NY

Call 718-788-8788
www.jayayogacenter.com/workshops    

 

Saturday, May 8, 2010, 1 pm - 4 pm
TRANSFORMATIVE JOY: Finding Joy on the Path

Yoga Works, Union Square, 138 Fifth Avenue (4th floor) New York, NY

Call 212-647-9642
http://www.yogaworks.com/our_programs/find_a_workshop.aspx

Validation? What a concept!

Submitted by Jonathan Kaplan, Ph.D.

Recently, I had an opportunity to watch this short, feel-good movie, Validation by Kurt Kuenne.  It made me consider just how different city life would be if we all treated each other like this.  The film is 17 minutes long, and it's worth it.

"People helping other people" mindfulness: Spontaneous acts of caring in Gotham

By Irene Javors, LMHC

On one of those bitterly cold Sunday afternoons that NYC has endured over the last month, I decide to get a cup of something hot at the nearest coffee shop. I manage to find a window seat and set myself down to a serious half hour of people watching. People are rushing about, all trying to outrun the frigid temperatures. There are all sorts of get ups worn by these intrepid New York walkers, Parkas, long goats, layers and layers of sweaters and scarves, every variety of boot and shoe imaginable, gloves, mittens, and a few brave hat-less souls.

As I look out upon the "great parade." a relatively young man asks if he could take the empty seat at my table ( at 61 anyone under 40 appears virtually teenage to me). I nod a "yes." He proceeds to take out his cholesterol doused donut and a giant coffee. I envy his lack of dietary concerns. Both of us sit watching the passing throngs, enveloped in the warmth of the shop. A woman appears on the street loaded down with 2 shopping bags, a box, and a paper bag whose handle suddenly gives way. The contents of this container drops onto the sidewalk. Frantic, she tries to get the stuff back into the original bag and then put that into one of the other shopping bags. Nothing works. Finally, my tablemate said, "she needs some help." He throws on his coat and goes out to help her. He starts fumbling with all the bags and again one of the handles breaks. Miraculously, a woman comes running up with two large plastic bags and helps them re-package the whole mess! In the blink of an eye, this good Samaritan vanishes. The woman with the bags leaves and the guy comes back to my table. He winks and says, "all in a day's work."

I left the shop feeling warmed not only by the heat of the store but more importantly by the acts of helpfulness and generosity that I was a witness to. When I am feeling a bit down and I forget that there is more to the city than pushy people, rude comments, and just "too much" of everything, I coax myself to be mindful of the lady with the bags and all the people who set about helping her.