Thanks for the Noise, Neighbor!

By Jonathan Kaplan, Ph.D.

In my soon-to-be-released book, I address the application of mindfulness to many of our common experiences in the city.  One of the more common and vexing problems is the noisy neighbor.  Maybe it's the woman downstairs who practices the guitar.  Or, it could be the couple upstairs who lets their toddlers do somersaults off the couch.  Or, maybe the man in the adjacent apartment has really loud sex.  Whatever the particulars, we can easily find that our efforts to relax or get some sleep are rudely interrupted.  While it's natural to get angry and frustrated, we can also use these disruptions as opportunities for mindfulness practice.

• Notice how quickly your mind tries to explain what you’re hearing. You might hear a low scraping sound, and assume that the neighbor is moving the sofa. Appreciate this quality of mind, which tries to label whatever we experience.

• Take a moment to appreciate the noise within the context of all that you can hear around you. Closing your eyes, become aware of the different sources of sound and their physical location. See if you can allow all of these sounds to arise within your awareness. Like listening to an orchestra or band, allow yourself to experience all of the music together, rather than fixating on a particular sound.

• Notice what judgments arise about your neighbor(s) in response to what you hear. Upon hearing loud music, you might think that the neighbor is being disrespectful and inconsiderate, which prompts you to feel angry. When hearing a loud argument, you might feel sad for your neighbor’s difficulties. Notice how your emotions react to the particular thoughts that you’re having, not necessarily the noise itself.

• Acknowledging that your assumptions about your neighbor and what is causing the noise might be inaccurate, approach them openly and with curiosity about what’s happening to cause the noise. Explain what you’re hearing and the impact that it is having in your home. You might even invite them inside your place to experience it themselves. While not mindfulness per se, this approach allows you to apply some of its underlying principles--respect, compassion, and acceptance--and try to embody the resultant emotional equanimity.

• If you’re unable to reach a compromise or mutually beneficial arrangement with your neighbor, then consider your options of how to respond constructively and objectively. Know that a bitter, vindictive, or vengeful response, likely will hurt you as well. Even if you’re able to get back at your neighbor “once and for all”, the time spent nursing that resentment and anger undermined YOUR heath, not theirs.