The Present in Presence: Mindful Listening

By Jenny Taitz, Ph.D.

If we were meant to talk more than listen, we would have two mouths and one ear.
Mark Twain

A client recently shared the experience of meeting with a former therapist who answered the telephone numerous times during sessions. Another described talking to a doctor whose laptop was nestled between them.  I must admit, judgments about nerviness arrive in my mind upon hearing these anecdotes. And then I consider the times I haven’t wholeheartedly listened to people in my life.

Do you ever notice when a person introduces himself and you’ve already have forgotten his name? A relative is speaking you start to tune out, thinking, “I’ve heard this story before?” or “I know where this is going…” You’re with a friend and glance at your emails or visit news websites? You’re shopping and talking and can barely track hear? To follow up my previous post on mindful speaking,   let’s explore the related practice of mindful listening.

Can you think of a time you really felt listened to? If you have a moment, return and revisit the details and feelings of the encounter for a moment. What was the situation? Who were you with? What did it feel like to be heard? What does it feel like to be heard? Some people have thoughts such as, “I have nothing to offer” or “I must be super witty or sound smart.”  If you struggled with such thoughts, you might let go of trying to control your impression and really practice listening.  After all, we don’t generally select friends based on comedic talent or academic accolades!

So often it is hard to listen.  We put our phones on the table as though they are utensils we need to dine.  Plus, we are often faced with noise—physically and emotionally.  Iphones, crying children, Facebook, Bloomberg, headaches, fatigue, people who annoyed us earlier, caffeine withdrawal, money worries… A whole host of stimuli, thoughts, feelings, and behaviors can pull for our attention and it is virtually (no pun intended!) hard to multitask.  When you brought to mind the person who made you feel heard, did you see a Bluetooth?

What is mindful listening? Mindful listening is:

1. Slowing down – letting go of chasing your thoughts, catching up with emails, and thinking about what you’ll say next


2. Offering your full attention—eye contact, ears, expression of interest purely for in the service listening


3. Practicing listening and noticing when you have moved away, and return

Again, it may be helpful to think of a particular person and situation in which you’ll practice listening rather than take on the endeavor of always listening fully.

This practice may be helpful in building relationships with others and also ourselves. If we notice ourselves being pulled by a host of thoughts about our shortcomings that arise in interpersonal situations, this practice may furnish an opportunity to practice being kind to ourselves by dimming the spotlight and enjoying the music another may offer.