The Valued Life

By Jennifer Egert, Ph.D.

Glad to be back on UrbanMindfulness after a break to “attend to life” for a bit. Lots has changed in the past few months. I left a full time job of 9 years, took a part-time job, began collaborating on different projects and expanded my work in private practice.

I thought about doing something like this for a long time. Through the years, I played with the prospect of being more independent in my work, wanting to explore new professional interests and create time for doing art. But somehow, I ended up staying in the same life that I built almost 10 years ago based on passions and interests of that time even though those interests and values had changed through the years. Life seemed to continue on a prescribed path, like subway tracks, staying the course in the face of stops along the way with new ‘passengers’ boarding and disembarking.

I am reminded of Newton’s laws of motion:

A body at rest stays at rest…

A body in motion tends to stay in motion…

And things will generally continue along this way unless acted upon by an outside force…

How often do we continue along a certain path in life when something inside has changed? Is our default programming to just continue on a path? Can mindfulness be a “force” that shakes things up and off the tracks?

Mindfulness practice can help us to stop and see those moments when what we value inside seem to be different from how we live our lives. For example, if I value a healthy lifestyle but am not taking care of myself, that can be a source of a lot of tension. If my relationships are important to me and the demands of my life keep me away from friends and family, that can be emotionally distressing. If I have a passion for art, or athletics, or animals, or cooking… but haven’t “found” the time for it, there is a loss of an opportunity to be in one’s life in a valued way.

Sure, we all have things we “have to do” to make it in city life, but sometimes we begin to think that these “requirements” are fixed, and there is no space for anything else. And the truth is, in the hyper-busy lives we lead, we won’t find the time… we have to make the time. In the same way we make time for meditation practice, or yoga, or going to the gym, we have to make the time for the things we value most in life. We don’t have to radically change anything, but rather, just look creatively at how we are living, and what places in our lives might benefit from some nurturing and greater attention.

Questions for the week: Am I "a body at rest staying at rest" or "in motion staying in motion" without any say in the matter? What would moving life in a more valued direction look like for me?

Some books that might help in this process come from people doing work in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), an approach to change which integrates mindfulness, acceptance and active efforts towards behavior change in the direction of “valued living,” engaging in those activities and areas in life that are most important to us.

· “The Happiness Trap: How to Stop Struggling and Start Living,” by Russ Harris and Steven Hayes

· Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life: The New Acceptance and Commitment Therapy,” by Steven C. Hayes and Spencer Smith

Playboy Advisor Show

Submitted by Jonathan Kaplan, Ph.D.

Earlier today, I appeared on the Playboy Advisor Show with Chip Rowe on Sirius/XM radio.  We spoke about "addiction to internet porn" and the proposed diagnosis of Hypersexual Disorder for DSM-V.  Of course, I talked a little bit about mindfulness both during sex and as a way to "surf the urges" to view pornography.  The show went well, and I was particularly happy that we had the chance to help and educate several people who called.  I regret that we weren't able to get to all of the callers, though.

Anyway, if you want to learn more about this issue of "pornography addiction," then please check out Martin Kafka's thoughtful scientific review of the topic for the Archives of Sexual Behavior:  Hypersexual Disorder Article.  And, if you'd like to learn more about mindfulness and ways to de-stress in the city, the please check out my book (4.5 stars on Amazon!).  Thanks for your support.

Mending Walls and Mindful Drivers

By Susan Vitti, Ph.D.

In his poem, Mending Wall, Robert Frost’s neighbor relates, “Good fences good neighbors make” but Frost’s narrative character is not satisfied with this response. “Something there is that doesn’t love a wall” he mischievously challenges, ultimately questioning what’s being walled in or walled out in the construction of such an obvious boundary. I was reminded of these lines from Frost’s poem by two separate but somehow related incidents involving drivers safely hidden behind the border of a car windshield engaging in what looked like some mighty onerous behavior. In urban life, I thought, walls, fences and other boundaries are not only preferred, but often purposefully constructed. Sometimes, they’re not solid and external but rather, internal and intangible.

During one of these experiences, I was driving through the Mid-town tunnel when the cab driver next to me began vigorously engaging his car horn and making hand signals with his left hand. He had rolled down his window and he was clearly yelling towards me. The moment left me feeling annoyed and confused and validated some negative beliefs about New York cab drivers. As I exited the tunnel, however, I tentatively looked over at the other driver expecting to see more anger. His facial expression, however, displayed concern not anger. In that moment I realized, my headlights were off and he was simply trying to be a good citizen and alert me to this.

In another incident, I was visiting The Old Dutch Church in Sleepy Hollow, NY. I was standing in the historic cemetery of the church on a late autumn day, gazing on Washington Irving’s gravestone, when an SUV came along the narrow road and began honking its horn. I assumed the driver, who I could not see through the glare of the glass, wanted me out of his way so he could drive through. I was, I must admit, slightly annoyed. I moved yet the driver continued honking and honking until finally, I walked over to see what the problem was. Inside this large imposing SUV was a sweet and somewhat frail gentleman, the local historian who wanted to alert me to the location of other gravestones of interest in the cemetery. After parking his truck to the side, he proceeded to give me a private, guided tour filled with charming and little known facts about the area’s famous authors and Revolutionary War luminaries. It turned out to be a wonderful afternoon spent in the company of a truly lovely person!

It’s not uncommon, when there’s room for interpretation, for us to assume that another person’s behavior is intended to impinge on us, impede us or generally frustrate us in our endeavors. Living and working in an urban environment only seems to cement these beliefs and offers an even greater challenge to our ability to cultivate a non-judgmental and open mind when faced with the behavior of the other humans around us. When we rush to assumptions and label the behavior of others as good or bad, we may foreclose on the opportunity to really see each other’s good intentions. In her book, Loving Kindness, Tara Brach states that “the difference between misery and happiness depends on what we do with our attention”. These experiences, turned out to be wonderful lessons in how true that statement is.

Can you think of a time when your judgment clouded your view of another person’s intention?

S'now what?

By Jonathan Kaplan, Ph.D.

So, it's snowing again in NYC.  From where I sit, the falling snow seems to be coming from all directions.  It's white and fluffy and get caught easily in the breeze.

As you might have heard (or experienced), our last snowstorm in New York was a bit of a nightmare if you intended to go anywhere besides your living room.  I've seen many more plows on the road, and it seems like there are more active efforts at snow removal this time around.  However, rather than getting mired in such assessments, see if you can experience the snow just as it is.  Notice what judgments come to mind:  Is it pretty?  Problematic?  Cold?  And, if it's not snowing where you live, simply become aware of your thoughts regarding the weather today.

Mindfulness in Times Square? On New Year's Eve?

By Susan Vitti, Ph.D.

I have lived in New York all my life. Whether in the city itself, or an outlying suburb, I’ve felt deeply woven into the fabric of the city. I’ve lived here, worked here, fallen in love here, shopped here and generally been a part of the groove, hubbub, bustle and clamor. I am in fact, in love with this city. I go to the Brooklyn side of the bridge just to see the whole of it sparkling on the river at night. I ride the NY Water Way Taxi in summer just to see the skyline from the harbor. So, I understand why anyone would be drawn to it but what I’ve never understood is the desire to huddle up in Times Square on New Year’s Eve. No way, no how am I ever going to do it. So, in putting together some thoughts for this post the question entered my mind again. Why would anyone do it?! I’ve come up with innumerable reasons, none of which really satisfied as evidenced by the fact that I’m still asking.

In thinking about this again, though, I realized I’ve been asking the wrong question all along. I’ve missed the essence of what is really going on. What is significant is not where people gather but why. Why do we choose to gather together to mark the ending of one year and the beginning of a new one? What draws us to each other during this point in time? Maybe it’s the inescapable feeling of being on the precipice of both an ending and a beginning. It’s a time that seems to inevitably connect us to the polarities of existence; both the joys and the sorrows. Whether we gather in Times Square, a friend’s apartment, a restaurant or some quiet corner with our television tuned in, we gather together and in doing so we share this reality.

The holiday season, culminating in New Year’s Eve can be a time of celebrations and gatherings with friends and family. It’s a time we can easily ride the crest of the holiday wave and let ourselves be swept along to this final point in the year. We eagerly gallop towards one more celebration, one more party, one more event before the final page of the old year is turned and new one is begun. The emotional tenor this time of year, this week in particular and this day, the final day, is often one of revelry and mirth.

Alternately, the New Year is also a time-marker. Robert Frost referred to time as ‘the luminary clock against the sky” in his poem, Acquainted with the Night. The holiday season, the turning of the year and the passage of time, so concretely marked, can also bring with it awareness and realization of loss, times gone by, loved ones that have passed or difficult moments endured during the previous year. Life has a way of involving us in both aspects; the joys and the sorrows, the losses and the gains, the highs and the lows. Whether we acknowledge it or not, whether we can accept it or not, we all come to encounter all aspects of being human. If we can manage to stay mindful and in the moment, we may be lucky enough to see that in this regard, we are all connected to each other. In this regard, “we are all more human than otherwise” (American psychiatrist, Harry Stack Sullivan) .

It is, perhaps, in this realization, whether articulated or just beneath our awareness, that we feel the need to be with each other. It is at this pivotal moment in time, the turning of the year, as we watch our city’s luminary clock against the sky, that ball of lights dropping in Times Square, that we have some sense of our connectedness, our oneness with ourselves, each other and with the infinite. Perhaps we find it somehow comforting to gather together in this acknowledgement.

(Photo provided by UB1/Bill Larkin)