Mindful Connection

By Emily Polak, Ph.D.

Last night I attended my grandparents’ 65th wedding anniversary party.  He is 98, she is 88, and they fell in love in a concentration camp while he was married to another woman. While it doesn’t really get more dramatic than that, I am more impressed by the fact that their love has sustained for over 65 years.

Living in New York City in this day and age, where people increasingly report feeling isolated, connection is more important than ever.  Specifically, dating in NYC is a challenging endeavor. There are a lot of nice people out there, but actually connecting with someone on a deep level doesn’t happen all the time. The same goes for getting to know a new friend.

According to Brené Brown, a researcher at the University of Houston, in order for connection to happen, we must be vulnerable and allow ourselves to be seen. This is a scary thing to do, especially in a city like New York, where people tend to have extra walls up. When getting to know someone, it usually becomes evident relatively quickly whether someone is open to and looking for a real connection. Then the question becomes, are you?

Sometimes we fall into the trap of wanting the person to like us and forgetting to think about whether we like them. Or we focus on the superficial things that we like about them, such as their job or their looks. If we are able to be mindful of how we feel when with the person, that is usually a good indicator of the potential for a long-term relationship. After all, dating boils down to spending time with someone and continually assessing how you feel with you’re with them. So mindfulness is useful when dating in that you observe your own experience and use that information to make decisions accordingly.

Brown’s prescription for happiness is: Let ourselves be deeply and vulnerably seen. Perhaps the life and death nature of my grandparents’ circumstances made it easier for them to be vulnerable, but I think they mastered that principle right from the start. So the next time you are getting to know someone, be it a date or a new friend, remember that the way to really connect is to be as vulnerable and genuine as possible. Then, pay attention to how you feel with the person. Perhaps this combination can lead to a life as long and happy as my grandparents. At the very least, it should lead to more authentic relationships. And ultimately, who doesn’t want that?

If anyone is interested, here is a link to the documentary that was made about my grandparent's lives: www.stealapencil.com.