Mindfulness Quote

Submitted by Jonathan Kaplan, Ph.D.

Last week, I went to one of Sharon Salzberg's talks here in NYC.  I always enjoy learning from her, and I was particularly struck by a phrase that she used when discussing mindfulness:

"It's not about what happens, but rather our relationship to it."

So, in other words, it's not about the fact that the bus crowded, but rather how we relate to that reality (i.e., what judgments and critical statements might rattle around in our heads).  Similarly, it's not about the fact that it's raining right now, but rather how we feel about the rain in that moment.  Through the practice of mindfulness, we cultivate the ability to notice our reactions and judgments, which creates some emotional space.  We find a way to feel better by giving-up on wanting it to be otherwise.  It prompts us to accept an unchangeable reality or take some appropriate action.  So, if it's crowded, I can decide to focus on listening to my music or meditate or observe something special about each person around me.  If it's raining, I can decide to wait until it stops or take an umbrella or consider the rain in a different way.  All of these other possibilities can be realized in the present moment, once we have the presence of mind to do so.

Being with Powerful Emotions in the City

By Rob Handelman, Ph.D.

This blog entry took me a while to write, as my mother died a month or so ago. This is not about grief (for a nice paper on mindfulness and grief, click HERE), but how to be with such pain while having to function in our real, urban world.

When my mother died, I was in the relative comfort of Massachusetts with family, where it felt safe to feel everything that was coming up for me.  Then it was back to reality, the stimulation of our city, taking care of the business of life, my psychotherapy practice, family.  The feelings, of course, did not magically go away, and while they have changed, they hit when they want.

Hmm, so what to do when I’m standing on a subway platform and a wave hits me and I tear up?  Do I try to control the expression (assuming I can) of these feelings? As a man in this culture, there is a strong unspoken prohibition against the expression of these feelings in public (and private too) from which I am not immune.  At times, it is the noise of the city, the visual stimulation, the smells, that make for the stress of urban life.  When it comes to feelings like these, it is the awareness of other people that impacts me the most, bringing up feelings of self-consciousness.  I would prefer to grieve in a quiet, private place, with people that I choose, but that’s not always possible.

So, while we have little control over these powerful feelings when they do present themselves to us, we do have control over our awareness of them.  While we may feel the need at times to contain our behavior, we can still practice our awareness of these feelings in the present, especially where and how we feel them, in particular in our bodies.  We can notice how we relate to our feelings, whether we judge them, or push them away, argue with them, or allow them.  Often the best we can do is to let them move through us, without resistance or judgment, and to explore how we experience to them.  With that, I let go of the struggle and allow a few tears to roll down my face, waiting to get home for the good sob.