Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about you.  Yes, you.  There’s a lot of you in the city.  I see you in the park, at the bodega, on the bus, and even in the bathroom at Chinese restaurant that I like.  It seems like you never really leave me alone.

It’s not that I’ve been wondering so much about you per se, but rather what you think about me.  Do you think I’m smart?  Do you think I’m fat?  Do you like my hair?  Do you think I’m the sort of person who would dance on a table in a crowded bar?  Do you think that I would give-up my subway seat for a pregnant woman?  Just exactly who do you think I am?

You see, I’m trying to figure that out myself.  And, I don’t really know.  Well…that’s not really true.  I think that I do know what I like, what I value, and what I want to do.  What I don’t know is what you’d think of that me.  I expect that I won’t meet your expectations–that’s for sure.  And so, I continue to wonder and live by what I think you think of me…  But don’t worry:  I won’t do anything too wild.

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As a psychologist (and friend), I have seen too may people limited by what others have come to think and want of them.  A parental “I expect you to earn good grades” provides  fertile ground for the development of academically-based self-esteem (or self-recrimination).  Messages of “You’re not good enough” from our partners can insidiously become an identity of “I’m the ‘not good enough’ one,” which we carry with us into social encounters and other relationships.  Like writings in wet cement, these messages of who we are–whether from others explicitly or from our presumptions of others’ opinions–can become concretized and leave us little room for self discovery, self growth, and self expression (and self esteem, for that matter).

Ideally, we would not let others’ opinions of who we are and who we are not determine who we allow ourselves to be.  If anything, it should be the opposite:  Who I am determines what you think of me.  You might not like who you see.  I might see you not liking me.  And, as we say in Brooklyn, “Fuggedaboudit!”

How do I want to live my life?  Determined by the expectations of others or guided by my own freely chosen values and behaviors?

Here’s where mindfulness can come in handy:  When you find yourself wanting to do something but refraining from it, bring your attention to the discomfort and the judgments passing through your mind.  Who’s voice is this?  Yours?  Your parents?  The person next to you who has spoken a word?  Let go of this voice and do whatever it is you wanted to do.  It’s your life, not theirs.

Of course, I’m not encouraging you to break laws or violate the rights of others.  We must respect certain rules and principles in order to function well as a society and protect our own personal liberties.

What I’m talking about has more to do with how we define ourselves.  If that tart with goat cheese, leeks, and tomatoes looks delicious, but “real men don’t eat quiche.”  What do I do?  Deprive myself of something yummy in order to conform to your stereotype of masculinity or enjoy a delicious lunch?  Hopefully, your answer leaves me wiping crumbs off my face.

Recently, I had lunch with a friend in my neighborhood. We met at a neighborhood place that still makes homemade mashed potatoes and meat loaf soaked in gravy. Forget about carb awareness or calorie counting. This is burgers, chicken wings, french fries and souvlaki land. Everyone knows everyone and the waitstaff has been there for years.

Anyway, on this given Sunday the subject of our conversation was the economy. My friend will be 70 in a few weeks, retired and living on social security and a small pension. She is worried about how she is going to be able to make ends meet if her stocks fall any lower. We talked about the bizarre nature of finances today. People are losing their jobs yet prices on just about everything–health care,property taxes, rents, utilities, groceries–aren’t budging. Toilet paper costs sixty five cents and the price of cereal is over five dollars. My friend kept shaking her head and saying, “Nothing makes any sense.”

She related how someone who lives in her building just got let go from his job of twenty eight years. He’s 52 and he has no idea how he is going to find work. He knows that he will have to settle for a paycut and he wonders what this will mean in terms of continuing to have health insurance. In the co-op where I live, someone on the second floor was unable to pay mortgage and maintenance and had to go into foreclosure.

By my third cup of coffee, I thought to myself,”How do I maintain a mindful approach to all that is going on?” I asked my friend how she was getting through these uncertain times. She looked me in the eye and said, “We gotta help each other.” A light turned on in my brain. Right, we need to get more mindful of each other; be present in ways that are about sharing and caring for one another. My mother used to tell stories about how as a child during the depression, her family was thrown out of their apartment because they couldn’t pay the rent. Neighbors who had some money would join together and throw a “rent party” for her family and move them back in by the evening.

Yes, that was a different time and place, but the idea is something that we can learn from: we are not isolated entities, living separate disconnected lives. If there is one central precept of mindfulness practice, it is that we are inter-connected. We need to remember all that connects us and out of that awareness, put into practice a way of living that is mindful of what brings us together.

Our lunch lasted a luxurious 2 hours. No one rushed us out. When we left, the staff waved good-bye to us. We went out into a cold, blustery day, mindful that these hard times can be made a great deal easier through caring and friendship.

I’ve been feeling pretty shell-shocked lately. There’s a lot happening in my life and the city. Budget problems and economic woes dominate the headlines: MTA is facing a serious budget shortfall, Mayor Bloomberg wants to withhold annual rebate checks for homeowners, and companies are laying off workers daily. The stock market has been going up and down so often that it reminds me of a hyperactive toddler on moon bounce. On top of these stressors, it is also the holiday season.

Last year around this time, I spent a lot of time thinking about holiday cards while embroiled in gift-buying angst. What do I buy for whom? How much should I spend? What’s the “perfect” gift?

This year, I have found that my mind has been dominated by thoughts on limiting expenses and working within a budget. When I see something that looks like it would make a nice present, then “It’s too expensive” quickly comes to mind. It indeed might be “too expensive,” but I haven’t considered it yet in any thoughtful way.

While I might be preoccupied with the economy and presents, others might be distracted by thoughts of spending time with difficult family members or worried about work’s “Secret Santa” exchange. Of course, our holiday-related thoughts aren’t always negative. We might be excited by having a few days of vacation or hosting a joyous celebration with family and friends. Regardless of whether we’re thinking “negative” or “positive” thoughts about the holiday, we’re still stuck in our heads. Thinking, considering, excitedly planning, philosophizing, wondering, worrying–it doesn’t matter. All of the stuff “up there,” can remove us from the world “down here” where we live.

So, what to do? How can we practice mindfulness during the holiday season in the city? Well, here are a few tips that I’ve found to be helpful personally.

Return to your senses for information about your surroundings. Many places have put up holiday ornaments or lights, which are a distinct departure from the norm. Some can be quite pretty, too. It doesn’t have to be something as grand as the tree at Rockefeller Center. Pretty lights and displays can be found all around us. Even the electric menorah at your dry cleaners might be pretty in some ways. Why not take a more serious look? Some restaurants and cafes have seasonal foods. Try a gingerbread muffin, and allow yourself a few moments to revel in its taste. Nice? When you pass a Christmas tree seller on the street, take a few moments to smell the pine. When was the last time the aroma of pine wafted through NYC streets?

Make an effort to spend more time with friends and family either on the phone or in person. Rather than searching stores for presents or trawling the internet, talk with someone who is on your list. Learn more about them and what’s been happening in their life. By being present in such a conversation, you might naturally discover what would be a nice present for him or her. However, having a heart-to-heart chat demonstrates more care and love than an expensive present anyway. Also, the whole point of getting someone a present is to show how much they matter to you. Maybe you can express this sentiment directly through a deep talk or a card. Consider what would matter more to you: a “perfect” present sent from someone who you haven’t been close to lately or more time actually spent with that person. For me, it’s been a relief to realize that I’m rich with friends and family, regardless of the economy. As such, it is more important for us to spend time together rather than spending money on each other.

Continue (or start) your meditation practice. Meditation has been shown scientifically to have substantial health benefits. Often, it can provide a sense of groundedness and peace as well. So, be sure to continue your practice during the holiday season. Or, if you haven’t tried meditation recently (or ever), read some of the UM handouts and give it a try tonight. I’ve also recommended some books in the UM Amazon store, which you might want to consider for yourself or someone you love.

Do something seasonal. There are many events and things to do around the city. You can volunteer at a local relief shelter, visit Santa, or attend a Hanukkah celebration at your local synagogue. Check with TimeOut NYC or re-visit some of organizations that are important to you. Typically, there will be some seasonal offerings. Even Buddhist sanghas appreciate the importance of the holiday season. For example, this weekend, the Shambala Center of NYC is hosting a Winter Solstice celebration for families in celebration of Children’s Day. Take a peek at what’s out there and enjoy!

Be mindful of your breathing. Bring it back to basics: our breath is always here. We can always become aware of our in-breath and out-breath as a way to anchor our mind in the present moment. I particularly like using the breath as a focus of mindfulness because it is omnipresent and inconspicuous. You have to breathe, even if it’s holiday time in the city.