Submitted by Irene Javors, LMHC
“The key to our deepest happiness lies in changing our vision of where to find it.”
Sharon Salzberg and Jon Kabat-Zinn. (2008). Lovingkindness: The Revolutionary Art of Happiness. Shambhala Press.
All of us are prisoners of our fantasies and delusions of where happiness awaits us. We cling to what doesn’t work and blind ourselves to the infinity of possibilites. We are guests at the buffet of life, the challenge is to remain mindful.
By Jonathan Kaplan, Ph.D.
Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about you. Yes, you. There’s a lot of you in the city. I see you in the park, at the bodega, on the bus, and even in the bathroom at Chinese restaurant that I like. It seems like you never really leave me alone.
It’s not that I’ve been wondering so much about you per se, but rather what you think about me. Do you think I’m smart? Do you think I’m fat? Do you like my hair? Do you think I’m the sort of person who would dance on a table in a crowded bar? Do you think that I would give-up my subway seat for a pregnant woman? Just exactly who do you think I am?
You see, I’m trying to figure that out myself. And, I don’t really know. Well…that’s not really true. I think that I do know what I like, what I value, and what I want to do. What I don’t know is what you’d think of that me. I expect that I won’t meet your expectations–that’s for sure. And so, I continue to wonder and live by what I think you think of me… But don’t worry: I won’t do anything too wild.
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As a psychologist (and friend), I have seen too may people limited by what others have come to think and want of them. A parental “I expect you to earn good grades” provides fertile ground for the development of academically-based self-esteem (or self-recrimination). Messages of “You’re not good enough” from our partners can insidiously become an identity of “I’m the ‘not good enough’ one,” which we carry with us into social encounters and other relationships. Like writings in wet cement, these messages of who we are–whether from others explicitly or from our presumptions of others’ opinions–can become concretized and leave us little room for self discovery, self growth, and self expression (and self esteem, for that matter).
Ideally, we would not let others’ opinions of who we are and who we are not determine who we allow ourselves to be. If anything, it should be the opposite: Who I am determines what you think of me. You might not like who you see. I might see you not liking me. And, as we say in Brooklyn, “Fuggedaboudit!”
How do I want to live my life? Determined by the expectations of others or guided by my own freely chosen values and behaviors?
Here’s where mindfulness can come in handy: When you find yourself wanting to do something but refraining from it, bring your attention to the discomfort and the judgments passing through your mind. Who’s voice is this? Yours? Your parents? The person next to you who has spoken a word? Let go of this voice and do whatever it is you wanted to do. It’s your life, not theirs.
Of course, I’m not encouraging you to break laws or violate the rights of others. We must respect certain rules and principles in order to function well as a society and protect our own personal liberties.
What I’m talking about has more to do with how we define ourselves. If that tart with goat cheese, leeks, and tomatoes looks delicious, but “real men don’t eat quiche.” What do I do? Deprive myself of something yummy in order to conform to your stereotype of masculinity or enjoy a delicious lunch? Hopefully, your answer leaves me wiping crumbs off my face.
By Jonathan Kaplan, Ph.D.
PsychologyToday.com is featuring one of my recent posts on its main page today. Titled, “How to be Happy When the Weather Won’t Cooperate,” it provides 6 tips on applying mindfulness to our feelings about the weather.
You can view the main page here:
Or check out the post directly here:
Seasonal Mindfulness: 6 Tips for Experiencing the Changing Weather
Also, don’t forget to check my Urban Mindfulness blog regularly at Psychology Today. You can view posts at the home page here:
By Jonathan Kaplan, Ph.D.
2009 is drawing to a close. Only a few more days left to realize those New Year’s Resolutions. Oh, don’t you remember? Those aspirations from earlier this year that you wanted to achieve? Well, fear not, regardless of whether or not you realized them (or can even remember what you wanted to do), we all have another opportunity to make or break, fulfill or forget, or propose or postpone a whole slew of resolutions for 2010.
Generally speaking, these aspirational changes are quite helpful and healthy. They guide us to make substantive, meaningful change in our lives. We might decide to get in shape in order to feel better and (hopefully) be able to live longer to spend more time with our family. We might decide to get a new job in order to feel more satisfied at work. Whatever the desired change and motivation, New Year’s resolutions provide an opportunity to recognize important personal values and articulate related goals for fulfillment.
So, what does mindfulness have to offer? Is an objective awareness of the present moment with its focus on acceptance applicable to the establishment and pursuit of life-changing actions? Put simply, “no.” Mindfulness with its emphasis on experiencing the present as it exists is not too keen on changing it. Unless one of your resolutions is to practice mindfulness or acceptance more regularly in 2010, then the emphasis on being present in the now won’t help you realize your goals. Think about it: is mindfulness going to get you to go to the gym or line-up a series of job interviews? Of course not. However, some of the essential qualities of mindfulness can be helpful for you.
In his seminal book, Full Catastrophe Living, Dr. Jon Kabat-Zinn outlined what he described as the “attitudinal foundations of mindfulness.”
Non-judging
Patience
Beginner’s Mind
Trust
Non-striving
Acceptance
Letting Go
In addition, I would add “Non-identification” as another aspect of mindfulness. Taken together and applied sensitively to your resolutions, these qualities will help you approach your desired changes in ways that are sensitive, respectful, and supportive of change.
Non-judging
This perspective involves suspending our tendency to evaluate experiences. However, if you’ve made a resolution for 2010, then it’s too late: you’ve already made a judgment in deciding on something to change. Fortunately, we can adopt a non-judging approach to our resolutions subsequently. We can stop second-guessing our resolutions as good, bad, or “not enough,” for example.
Patience
This one is probably obvious. Change typically doesn’t happen overnight, and we need to be patient as we try to bring about something new in our lives. Intellectually, we understand this fact, but it’s harder to appreciate through actual experience.
Beginner’s Mind
This principle refers to the ability to experience the present moment as if it were existing for the very first time, which—of course—it is. You haven’t been in this precise time and space until now. For the New Year, it means that these resolutions of ours are brand new. Even if they’re something that we’ve made in the past, we’ve never had the opportunity to make them in 2010. Thus, we need to approach these resolutions with an attitude of freshness and curiosity. Whatever happened previously is over. All we have is our resolutions manifest in the here-and-now.
Trust
Trust refers to the ability to have faith in our intuitive wisdom as well as the present moment. For our resolutions, it means cultivating the ability to recognize that we’ll know how to best approach them. Even if we don’t know how to accomplish something, we can be confident in knowing when we don’t know, and perhaps seeking some advice or guidance.
Non-striving
This one might seem a bit antithetical to having New Year’s resolutions. Aren’t they all about striving for something? Sure. However, we can embody our desire for change through gentle persistence as opposed to brute force. There’s no need to push hard for realization of our resolutions when a simple nudge or light pressure will suffice.
Acceptance
Just as the present moment needs to be accepted as it exists, so does our relationship to whatever change we’re trying to make. We are here, regardless of where we want to be. Telling ourselves that we need or should be someplace else (physically, emotionally, occupationally, etc.) provides little motivation. More often than not, we feel miserable and discouraged as we work towards change. For example, if you’ve lost one pound, you’ve lost one pound. This is true regardless of the fact that you want to lose 20 pounds or that it’s Week #8 of your new diet and exercise regimen.
Letting Go
We need to abandon our desire for things to be different than how they are? Obviously, this is not relevant to resolutions in which we’re actively trying to be different. However, sometimes we hold on to fantasies about our past or future, which make it more difficult to engage the present. For example, reminiscing about how athletic you were in high school is not likely to help you much in getting in shape now. So, we often need to let go of these remembrances and desires in order to better address what’s happening for us now.
Non-identification
Mindfulness encourages us to recognize the present moment without becoming too wrapped-up in it personally. Similarly, our self-worth is not dependent on whether or not we succeed or fail in realizing our New Year’s Resolutions. If you abandon or forget your resolution, it’s okay. You are not a better or worse person. And, if it truly troubles you, you can always try again in the next moment or even wait until next year.
Finally, it’s important to recognize that your realization of your New Year’s resolutions likely will not happen in an instant. It’s not as if you suddenly will lose 20 pounds or instantly land a job. Rather, it will take a series of successive moments as you work towards the change that you seek. Hmm…successive present moments? What can we do with those?
By Jennifer Egert, Ph.D.
Ironic how in the most populated city in the US, the ability to be isolated, unconnected and anonymous is unprecedented. We are constantly surrounded by people. Perhaps this is why we turn off, turn inward, shut out the millions of lives that are around us. In some ways, it is kind of necessary. How can you take in all the activity and personalities of everyone around you? Who would want to? There is also the issue of safety, of course. But sometimes, our automatic ways of moving through city life in our little cocoons interferes with really being present, and present with those around us. In the end, we can miss out on a lot.
This idea hit home recently. A co-worker suddenly passed away. It was unexpected. He was young. We were all shocked. At the memorial service, I learned so much about him that I never knew after years of seeing him at the hospital daily. It really got me thinking about how I relate in my day to day life with the people around me. Rushing here and there, with blinders on. It feels like an intrusion when someone stops me in the street to ask a question. I just want to keep moving. Noticing this, I decided to try to pay more attention to moments that present opportunities to connect. Here are some experiences:
◦Spent a nice cab ride with a driver from Egypt whose son was starting school at John Jay for forensics. He gave me a bag of salted pumpkin seeds that his wife brought back from Egypt which were delicious! He also shared a very warm smile and good wishes.
◦An older man waiting for the bus on 10th Avenue asked me about my camera (I was shooting while I waited). We sat together on the bus and I learned that he was a photographer and photographing Coney Island for the past two years. The project is being shown very soon in NJ. We talked printing, photoshop, and lightroom.
◦Paying attention to others on the 1 train the other night, I noticed how many others were making an effort to be mindful. One woman was reading her bible. Another person was going through a strand of Buddhist prayer beads. Another man sat quietly and still with his eyes closed. Each of them helped a more mindful sense of being on the train, a real support.
Simple experiences of opening to others. Nothing earth shattering. Just sharing city life with the city’s greatest asset: the people.
Question for the week: How can I connect to my fellow city-folk a little more, in a safe, and present way?
By Jonathan Kaplan, Ph.D.
Here is a re-post of one of the most popular entries from my blog on Psychology Today. (Yes, Urban Mindfulness has a blog on PT (with different content)! Click here to check it out: PT blog.) Hope you enjoy the re-post!
Recently, an article in Miller-McCune caught my attention. It mentioned several research studies related to the positive impact of nature on the human condition. Having plants, going for a walk in the park, or even looking at a landscape poster could produce psychological benefits, reduce stress, and improve concentration. Click here for the Miller-McCune article: Nature is Good.
So, I decided to take a closer look at the research and see what might be helpful relative to our often stressful experience of living and working in the city. Though it is not related to mindfulness, this topic seemed interesting and particularly timely as we start moving from the lazy days of summer into more serious work mode.
Plants in Your Space
Based on several experimental studies, the presence of potted plants has been found to be helpful in many different settings including work, school, and hospitals. In particular, plants have been shown to…
Not bad, huh?! Feeling good around plants is probably not surprising. After all, we surround ourselves with plants during celebrations and tragedies (i.e., weddings and funerals, respectively). We also set aside “sacred” green space for parks and community gardens in our cities and communities.
Limitations of the Research
Before we get ahead of ourselves and start replacing the carpet with trays of wheat grass, it’s important to know one major limitation of the research. Most of the studies on the effects of houseplants have compared the presence of plants to their absence. While this is the epitome of a well-designed experiment, there might be other factors associated with the presence of plants–but not the plants themselves–that account for the more favorable results. For example, the improvement could be due to distraction, novelty, caring for something, perceived control, or improved air quality. Thus, we might get similar results under different circumstances, such as replacing the plants with a dartboard, photos, Sea Monkeys, or an air purifier. So, it’s important to keep in mind that other additions to your space might also be helpful.
What house plants were used in these studies?
Several different species of plants have been included in these studies. Based on my examination of the research, a few plants seem to be used more consistently, including:
Other plants have included the following:
(Personally, I was happy to find that some plants didn’t make the list, like ferns and those ficus trees. It’s not that they can’t be helpful: I just can’t seem to grow them!)
Take-home Message
Relative to a barren environment, the research suggests that having plants around you is a good thing for your health and productivity. So, if you’re feeling stressed or inefficient at work, get a plant. You might just feel better.
Gratitude
I’d like to give a “Tip of the Hat” to Drs. Seong-Hyun Park and Richard Mattson from the Department of Horticulture, Forestry, and Recreation Resources at Kansas State University. They’ve been quite helpful in providing reprints and answering my naive questions in preparation for writing this post. Also, I’d like to thank the website, Plants for People (it’s not as cheezy as it sounds). With offices in 3 European countries, Plants for People is an “international initiative, spreading knowledge about the benefits of plants in a working environment.” The site provides abstracts and full-length research articles, which I reviewed for this post. Click here for the site: Plants for People.
Submitted by Irene Javors, LMHC
“There are many ways to discuss ego, but in essence… … it is the experience of never being present. There is a deep seated tendency, it’s almost a compulsion, to distract ourselves, even when we’re not feeling uncomfortable. Everybody feels a little bit of an itch all the time. There’s a background hum of edginess, boredom, restlessness.”
From Taking The Leap: Freeing Ourselves from Old Habits and Fears by Pema Chodron, Shambhala Press. 2009, p.17.
How well I know these feelings! I am in the middle of something and then my monkey mind takes me somewhere else, making shopping lists or going over all the things I haven’t done or I just zone out. Remembering that where you are is exactly where you need to be – such an easy thought, so difficult to live.
Submitted by Irene Javors, LMHC
“There are many ways to discuss ego, but in essence… … it is the experience of never being present. There is a deep seated tendency, it’s almost a compulsion, to distract ourselves, even when we’re not feeling uncomfortable. Everybody feels a little bit of an itch all the time. There’s a background hum of edginess, boredom, restlessness.”
From Taking The Leap: Freeing Ourselves from Old Habits and Fears by Pema Chodron. 2009. Shambhala. p.17
How well I know these feelings! I am in the middle of something and then my monkey mind takes me somewhere else, making shopping lists or going over all the things I haven’t done or I just zone out. Remembering that where you are is exactly where you need to be – such an easy thought, so difficult to live.
Welcome to the new Urban Mindfulness website. We’re still moving our original site over to this one, so in the meantime please visit the original UM site for our latest posts: Urban Mindfulness
By Jennifer Egert, Ph.D.
I was recently given a great gift: a hand-me-down car. I haven’t owned a car in over 10 years, not since coming back home to the city from graduate school. Driving in the city is always a trip. It is kind of like a video game, all the unexpected objects darting out from different corners, other cars around you driving close, speeding up to cross over 3 lanes to make that right turn that you don’t want to miss. I had always thought about driving in the city as offensive rather than defensive, “every man/woman for him or herself!” But driving recently, I realized that it is much more collaborative than I thought, much more interdependent, drivers “inter-being.”
“Interbeing” refers to an inherent interdependence of all things. It refers to the web of life and how all of our actions can have consequences for the greater world and world community. What does this have to do with driving? Well, as I was making my way through Times Square, it was pretty hectic. Trucks double parked, making deliveries, taxis darting in an out of cars going too slow, tourists not sure how to navigate the crosswalks, cyclists weaving through the cars. But it worked. No car crashes. No one hurt crossing the street or riding a bike. The drivers just knew the dance, how to negotiate the rugged terrain of the pot-holes, how to avert disaster with the perfect swerve. It struck me that city life is a lot like that. Millions of people somehow making it through, day to day, riding the trains, waiting on lines, avoiding traffic, not bumping into each other despite the 50 people sharing the sidewalk with you. This awareness sure made me appreciate my fellow New Yorkers more and perhaps even gave me a little more patience for the very, very slow driving guy from Georgia. Just a little…
There is an “interbeing” of city life, an ecosystem that we all contribute to. How much do we see that? How much do we pay attention? I am not usually aware of this connection in the flow of city life, but a car helped me to be more mindful of just that this week. What would it be like if we all carried the awareness of interbeing in our city life?
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